Not down yet...

Okay, so I may not be completely out of this first try. I've had a few symptoms in the past week that make me think there is a good possibility that I might just have done it on round 1. Some symptoms are a little embarrassing and something one should only tell their sister so we'll just keep those under wraps. But the big one that I am still holding out on is that I still haven't started a new cycle. Yep, nada, nul, zero, zip, not a drop. It really is a very small hope but something that I am going to hold dear until it is time to let go. If I haven't started a new cycle by Feb. 14th (like I need another reason to be sad on Valentine's Day) then I will test again. Who knows, maybe I'll be lucky.

Other than that little bit of hope, I'm feeling pretty good. I've started to get into into my year of more. I've been trying to really reach deeper in myself to tell the stories that need to be told, to work hard on my AE class, to seek out new opportunities for growth, to open up to people outside my little circle of confidants and to embrace who I am.

I can't choose everything in my life, what I do or don't want to happen to me, but I can surely give it a better chance by at least trying. So, I'm going to be shedding my fears, resentments and insecurities one at a time. Hopefully what I find underneath will be my strengths, my joys and my fulfillment.

I'm bellydancing again, even if it is just at home. I've got more classes lined up in the next couple of months. I'm thinking about going back and doing another round of speed dating. I am keeping my options open for the opportunities that are out there.

So, February I'm ready...tell me something good.

Love the words, love the meaning

I've fallen head over heals. Nope, it isn't a man (or a woman). It is with words. I am working on a class right now to help me tell more stories about me with words and photos. There have been some great quotes each week, but this one is so powerful that I just need to share it.

"I'm convinced that owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we'll ever do." - Brene Brown

This is what I am constantly striving for. To own AND love who I am, where I've been and where I am going.

No bun in the oven

Okay, so the 2 pregnancy tests I've taken so far have come back with a big fat NO. Honestly, I am both sad and relieved. I looked at this first try as a trial, an opportunity to see what worked and what didn't. I had a few surprises, but mostly it went smooth. What I did not and can not factor in is my own body.

***I'm about to get a little TMI here so if you are squeamish or just don't want to know then NOW is the time to just scan past this part of the post.*** I have not yet started the next cycle. Not totally odd for me. I miss 2-3 periods a year on average, but I can never tell when I am going to miss. Sometimes I go like 6 months in between misses and sometimes it is only like 2 cycles in between. I did not and can not factor on this when I am trying to time when to order my little swimmers. I think that I am in one of those misses right now. I tried to convince myself that it's because I am preggo, but I don't really have any symptoms.

So now what, well I just have to wait. Wait and see when the flow is going to start. Wait and test again for ovulation. This next time I will use a fertility predictor during my period. Hopefully that will help. Also, on this next one I think I am going to try and go with 2 vials to see if I can increase my chances. If that doesn't work then I am going to start trying some of the crazy sounding concoctions that others doing this same process have tried. Who knows, maybe there is something to it.

Because of this no, I've thought and rethought a lot in the last couple of weeks. Of course questioning myself about this whole thing and where I am directing my life. So many unknowns, so many questions and so few direct answers. And with that I am going to go with a bit of blind faith. I believe I am doing the right thing. I believe that whatever is supposed to happen with this process will. I believe that whatever road this takes me to is the right one.

I don't know if I posted before about this, but this is the year of MORE for me. I am going to let my hair down more, live richer, do more, be more, experience more, love more, laugh more. To that end, I am thinking that I might, just might actually start dating more...or at least attempting to. My last few outings have been unsuccessful at best and non existent at worst. I'm not making a commitment on this, but it's out there.

Ok, enough rambling J. Time to say goodnight to all the good (read 3) people who actually read this. Thanks for sharing in this with me.

The juice is loose

This is the full syringe. Yep all .3 ml of baby juice there.

The tools for the procedure. Thermometer for temperature charting, vial of sperm from donor 322A and the syringe for transfer from vial to body.

Taking the vial out of the dewar.

With all the frozen liquid nitrogen you have to wear gloves to pull out the vials otherwise you risk frostbite.

Done. First insemination is over. A few things I didn't expect. First, there is very little of the stuff in the vial. Only about 0.3 ml. Not much at all. Second, it is easier to use the syringe without the catheter than with the catheter for the actual insemination.

So now, it is all about the wait. It will be about 2 weeks until I can officially test to see if this insemination worked. To be honest, I doubt that any pregnancy will happen from this cycle, but a little bit of hope never hurt. I've decided not to worry to much about this or it will be a very long couple of weeks wait.

There you go. Not much else to say for now.

Donuts and Coffee

Declan: You know that place where Jesus died?
Mom & me: What?
D: (Exaspirated) You KNOW the place where Jesus died and we pray?
Me: Oh, church.
D: Yeah, church. Mom said I'm old enough to go now. I like to go.
Me: Oh, that's good.
D: Hey, did you know they have coffee and donuts were Jesus died?
Me: Okay.
D: Yeah, they have really good coffee and donuts there.

I think he might have missed the point, but still funny!

Also, I think I might have created a monster. I gave Declan another camera for Christmas...just a cheap one for him to take on his cruise. Anyway, the little photo bug that he is, he's been taking a bunch of pictures. Then he found out that it did video. Oh, it's his favorite feature. He has this thing now about putting the camera so it is focused on his nose or mouth and then talking as fast as he can while he makes up stories or rhymes. I have to admit it is kind of cute, but he gets so excited he keeps turning video on and off about every 10 seconds into his story without knowing it. I bought the kid a 2GB card for the camera, but I think he'll have it filled up with video before they leave the dock on vacation. Don't be surprised if some of those videos end up on this blog.

It's an original

Still feeling pretty crummy today. This cold is kickin' my bootay. After a few days in bed fighting a fever and chills I was delighted to come home and have this lovely delivery on my doorstep. It's "the boys" that I thought were going to be here tomorrow. There was also an insemination kit and a whole bag full of pregnancy tests. Pretty exciting stuff.

Unfortunately, I've been sick right in the middle of my cycle which basically means that these days that I have been sick might as well be thrown out in terms of charting my temperature for cycle prediction. Basically, I can't rely on the charting to help me figure out when I'm ovulating. So, to pee on many, many sticks this week it is. I have until next Monday to use these guys or send them back. And, since this is my first try and I don't expect to get preggo this round anyway...I'm going to guess if I have to and use them up.

So, here's to positive thoughts and a little bit of hope.

The year of living MORE

Here it is...January 1st. So full of hope and promise. This year I have decided to dedicate myself to one word "MORE". This year I am going to love more, make art more, go out more, do more to take care of myself, give more of myself to friends and family, try more, move more, make more choices that are better for my health.

In the spirit of more, I am going to attempt to do a Picture A Day project for the year. I hope that in addition to the other classes and projects I am working on that this will be something that I can look back on years from now as really what my life was like in a glance. I plan to put it all together in the Becky Higgins Project Life binder. Love this product. For $52 you get everything that you could need to put together a thoughtful, easy, good looking book with space for journaling and photos. I am very excited to get started.

My first photo for this year pretty much says it all. I've been sick for a couple of days, but today I've done almost nothing but lay around. My body has been fighting off a fever, but it seems like it's losing and the fever is winning. I had hoped to work on some scrapbook projects and get my house a bit cleaner, but I've only been able to sit upright for just a small bit at a time. In fact, as soon as I took this picture I put everything away and had to lay down for a bit before I could even get the laptop out to do this. The good thing is....I know that this will pass. Having this cold or virus or whatever is transient and I am just thankful it isn't something more.

I have been a little worried, though, that this illness might change my body chemistry might mess up my ovulation schedule. I've already seen signs with my temp being up (although I shouldn't really rely on that since I am sick) and an egg white mucus developing. (Sorry if this is a little TMI, but it is one of those signs to watch for). Just a few more days until my first delivery from the cryobank and I really hope my body cooperates. It is really exciting to be going on this journey.

The last thing I want to comment on for the new year is how glad I am that it is Saturday so that if I have to be home, then at least there has been almost a full day of Hockey Night in Canada to watch. I frickin' love hockey! Sure, I bet you already knew this, but seriously....I FRICKIN' LOVE HOCKEY! I don't watch nearly as much as I used to and it makes me a little sad, but on the other hand, when I do get to go to a game or watch a great battle on tv it makes me appreciate it so much more. Right now I am watching the Winter Classic in Pittsburgh...Washington Capitals vs. Pittsburgh Penguins. Otherwise known as a classic Ovetchkin vs. Crosby battle. As I type it is nearly the 10 minute mark in the 2nd period and it is a tie. So, off to lay down and watch hockey I go.

Happy New Year, everyone!