This was a bad night. No, let me rephrase that. It has been a very bad 2 days. I think I am in the middle of a huge hormone issue that has me feeling all over the place. And, I've been alone for 2 weeks, which used to not be such a big deal, but since I started reaching out more to people it has been incredibly difficult to not have anyone to talk to for the majority of my days for the last 2 weeks. I am feeling incredibly lonely and purposeless and sad for the last couple of weeks. Then, and there is not an exuse for this, I have completely gone off the deep end with a friend. Everytime I start to go off I can hear the rational part of my brain saying "stop...SHUT UP...YOU ARE BLOWING A FRIENDSHIP YOU IDIOT" and yet I haven't been able to stop.
And that is where my sadness comes in. I can feel this slippery slope I am on and I know I've been on it for about 3 weeks. The depression is creeping up and I haven't been fighting it. Normally, I would fight like hell. I would try and sleep better, eat better and work on all the things that make me happy and feel good. I would have tried to be creative by taking photos, scrapbooking, writing, dancing. I should have been cooking and reading and going to the movies. Instead, I've focused on other people. On the men I've been seeing and what they want/need. On trying to just keep my head above water at work. Focusing hard on not having an anxiety or panic attack when trying to maintain my parents home and work while they are off working hard at the fair.
Then, WHAM!!! The last 2 days everything has come to a head. I am standing in the middle of the depression well. I feel out of control, fragile, scared, a little angry, sad, unworthy of love, uninteresting and just plain stupid. I can tell you 101 different things that I have done wrong lately, but I won't. Instead, I'm going to confess that tonight I came home and wrote my suicide note. Okay, don't fly off the handle here. Yes, I did write the note, but so far, I haven't been brave and/or selfish enough to use it. The more I wrote, the more I realized that I would really disappoint people if I were to go through with it. And I don't think that I can disappoint my parents like that. I promised my mom that I wouldn't do it, no matter how many times I've thought about it. It seems like such a simple solution and if it works then my heart and my head would be free. But if it didn't work, I don't think I could stand to hurt so many people. I don't think that I could live with the consequences if it did work.
Tonight, I wish that there was someone I could call, could tell this to. The one person I want to call more than anything wouldn't understand. And I don't blame him. He has no idea how much pain I'm in right now and I don't think he knows how long this has been going on. And, as much of a friend as he is, I am really scared that he will reject me if I tell him how fragile I am right now. The other people that I could call, well, they would easily come to be with me but I'm afraid that they would also have me committed. I don't want to go there again.
So, I'm trying hard tonight to keep myself entertained. I went out with some girlfriends and had a good talk. I'm trying to watch some funny tv to keep my mind entertained. And it is working, kind of. I've gotten through these feelings before. If I can just hold out until Tuesday then I can get some help.
Hope to be writing more positive things in the near future.
Jen
And that is where my sadness comes in. I can feel this slippery slope I am on and I know I've been on it for about 3 weeks. The depression is creeping up and I haven't been fighting it. Normally, I would fight like hell. I would try and sleep better, eat better and work on all the things that make me happy and feel good. I would have tried to be creative by taking photos, scrapbooking, writing, dancing. I should have been cooking and reading and going to the movies. Instead, I've focused on other people. On the men I've been seeing and what they want/need. On trying to just keep my head above water at work. Focusing hard on not having an anxiety or panic attack when trying to maintain my parents home and work while they are off working hard at the fair.
Then, WHAM!!! The last 2 days everything has come to a head. I am standing in the middle of the depression well. I feel out of control, fragile, scared, a little angry, sad, unworthy of love, uninteresting and just plain stupid. I can tell you 101 different things that I have done wrong lately, but I won't. Instead, I'm going to confess that tonight I came home and wrote my suicide note. Okay, don't fly off the handle here. Yes, I did write the note, but so far, I haven't been brave and/or selfish enough to use it. The more I wrote, the more I realized that I would really disappoint people if I were to go through with it. And I don't think that I can disappoint my parents like that. I promised my mom that I wouldn't do it, no matter how many times I've thought about it. It seems like such a simple solution and if it works then my heart and my head would be free. But if it didn't work, I don't think I could stand to hurt so many people. I don't think that I could live with the consequences if it did work.
Tonight, I wish that there was someone I could call, could tell this to. The one person I want to call more than anything wouldn't understand. And I don't blame him. He has no idea how much pain I'm in right now and I don't think he knows how long this has been going on. And, as much of a friend as he is, I am really scared that he will reject me if I tell him how fragile I am right now. The other people that I could call, well, they would easily come to be with me but I'm afraid that they would also have me committed. I don't want to go there again.
So, I'm trying hard tonight to keep myself entertained. I went out with some girlfriends and had a good talk. I'm trying to watch some funny tv to keep my mind entertained. And it is working, kind of. I've gotten through these feelings before. If I can just hold out until Tuesday then I can get some help.
Hope to be writing more positive things in the near future.
Jen
