So, I did it. The first shipment of donor sperm is on its way and should arrive next week. HOLY CRAP!!!!!! It is ARRIVING NEXT WEEK! Okay, okay I am calm now. A little more than nervous and excited, but calm. I figure this one is like a "test run" and do not expect to get pregnant this first time around (although if I timed it right I have a 1 in 5 chance). Anyway, I decided to try it out this first time using my #2 donor, Mr. 322A. If I were to get pregnant this time it would be the first pregnancy for this donor which is kind of cool. Plus, he's really tall...like 6 foot 6. Now, again, I don't expect to get pregnant this time around, but there is a part of me that really wishes I did because my kid would actually have a fighting chance of being tall.
In all seriousness, I can't believe that January 2011 is my first try. I think I must be a little bit crazy to be doing this, but I am really excited. 2011 is the year I am focusing on "MORE"...meaning live more, breath more, be more kind to myself and others, focus more on what I want and need, just be more than I have let myself be. What better way to kick off this year of "MORE" than jumping in with both feet on this baby bandwagon.
For now, I guess that is about it. I can guarantee more posts will be coming. And probably coming with pictures of the process...well not all of the process...but at least the equipment and a general description. I don't want to get too graphic and all.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
A reason for everything
So, after incidents in the last few days I have come to realize that there is a reason that I am a)not married or involved with anyone, b)why I don't have children of my own and c)why I do not have any more close friends. I think that at this point I am just a broken person...mentally, spiritually, physically, educationally and emotionally. I make no excuses for this. I don't blame anyone for this, except perhaps myself. All I can say is that if I saw the wreck I am from the outside, I wouldn't want a piece of it either.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
On the road to better
As hurt as I was last night, perspective and time is a better thing. I still hurt, it is still painful but at least I can remember that there are some good things about me. I do have things to offer...even if it isn't great friendship. But, I love my family, I enjoy my crafts and art and music, I listen and try to understand people. I am trying everyday to be better, to feel better to try more. So, I am far from where I wish I was...so what. I am here and I am not going anywhere so maybe they will see this and maybe they won't. I have to accept the fact that they are right...no man may be interested in digging deeper and making the extra effort it takes to get to know me. If that is the case, then I have to move on...be done and then keep on going.
So, my goal for today...accept myself, love who I am in the now and let other's comments roll off my back (no matter how slowly).
So, my goal for today...accept myself, love who I am in the now and let other's comments roll off my back (no matter how slowly).
Leave the knife in, it will hopefully bleed less
So, here it is...I am fat because I am sensitive. Okay, maybe overstating the obvious but after a rigorous night of "partying" I come home broken down, ashamed and feeling as it my heart has been put in the shredding blade of a food processor. Is this over some man? No, not some man (or woman, for that matter). No, it is because I have once again been confirmed by a beloved member of my family all the bad and treacherous feelings I have for myself.
I am heartbroken to say the least. I don't know, maybe I am just having a bad night, but this is the second time in recent history that some one near and dear in my family, who I love and respect and have aspired to be like more, has bluntly and with clear words, tone and timbre told me, essentially, that I am not worthy of love as I am. To say I am devastated is an absolute understatement. Every part of my being feels like agreeing. After all, these are the people who I feel the most comfortable in my life. These are people whom I have opened up my heart and shared some of my most private thoughts. These are women who think that they are helping me, but have really just made me want to put my wall up to the world even more.
Okay, maybe they didn't say I was unworthy of love in so much words, but what the first one told me is that I can not expect for anyone to find me of interest when I am not interesting myself. The second one told me that because I am so overwhelmed by talking to people that no one will be interested in getting through to me. And, if that is the case would I really want to raise a child just so they can be antisocial like me.
Great. There is encouragement for me. I am not even a mother yet and already I feel like the most horrible, unloveable human being. Really, it makes me not even want to try to have a baby. She's right...who the hell do I think I am to think that, with all my problems, that I can raise a child to be happy, healthy, socialized and ready for the world. What the heck am I thinking? Of course I can not be a good mother when I can barely keep in touch with my best friends or siblings. Of course, I can not be a good mother when I feel so overwhelmed by the simplest thing like making a phone call to have something repaired or book an appointment. Of course, I can not be a good mother when I spend so much time keeping my head together and my heart safe from this terrible pain. I am not enough for myself, so what the hell am I thinking to try and be a single parent and try to be both parents for someone else.
I left tonight feeling so nervous and hopeful that just maybe I could spend one night in a gathering amongst people my age and finally have something to say, some interaction that would make me feel like I belonged or at least that I wasn't such an outcast. Well, I would have been better to call and cancel, like I almost always do, and let them all think that I had something better to do. Instead, I charged forward. I put aside the anxiety as much as I could. I geared myself up so I would feel physically good. I got myself in to the best mental shape I could...I showed up, stayed longer than I thought I would but left defeated.
I just can't do it anymore. I can't keep putting my heart on the shelf for everyone to target practice on. They don't use me up and then throw me out. Worse, they don't even know I am there, while I sit like a little puppy waiting for attention. I think that I am going to have to build the walls higher to keep out the pain. Life isn't so bad if I just plug along on my own, keep myself busy and don't concentrate so much on the things (husband, child, my own family, good close friends) that just seem to be out of my grasp. Instead, I will build the wall into a fortress. I will plug away and be happy only for the things that I can have.
It is breathtakingly painful sometimes to think that I will never have someone to say "I love you" that isn't a blood relation. It is painful to think that I may never have someone to cozy up to at night. It is beyond pain, almost to numbness, to think that I might forever shuffle around this world with no one looking further to see that who I am is really loving and in need of love but so shattered and fragmented that it would just take some time and persistence to get me on the road to wholeness.
Okay, enough. I am rambling now and I am breathless and can't see straight for tears. Tomorrow is another day. I can start to heal tomorrow.
I am heartbroken to say the least. I don't know, maybe I am just having a bad night, but this is the second time in recent history that some one near and dear in my family, who I love and respect and have aspired to be like more, has bluntly and with clear words, tone and timbre told me, essentially, that I am not worthy of love as I am. To say I am devastated is an absolute understatement. Every part of my being feels like agreeing. After all, these are the people who I feel the most comfortable in my life. These are people whom I have opened up my heart and shared some of my most private thoughts. These are women who think that they are helping me, but have really just made me want to put my wall up to the world even more.
Okay, maybe they didn't say I was unworthy of love in so much words, but what the first one told me is that I can not expect for anyone to find me of interest when I am not interesting myself. The second one told me that because I am so overwhelmed by talking to people that no one will be interested in getting through to me. And, if that is the case would I really want to raise a child just so they can be antisocial like me.
Great. There is encouragement for me. I am not even a mother yet and already I feel like the most horrible, unloveable human being. Really, it makes me not even want to try to have a baby. She's right...who the hell do I think I am to think that, with all my problems, that I can raise a child to be happy, healthy, socialized and ready for the world. What the heck am I thinking? Of course I can not be a good mother when I can barely keep in touch with my best friends or siblings. Of course, I can not be a good mother when I feel so overwhelmed by the simplest thing like making a phone call to have something repaired or book an appointment. Of course, I can not be a good mother when I spend so much time keeping my head together and my heart safe from this terrible pain. I am not enough for myself, so what the hell am I thinking to try and be a single parent and try to be both parents for someone else.
I left tonight feeling so nervous and hopeful that just maybe I could spend one night in a gathering amongst people my age and finally have something to say, some interaction that would make me feel like I belonged or at least that I wasn't such an outcast. Well, I would have been better to call and cancel, like I almost always do, and let them all think that I had something better to do. Instead, I charged forward. I put aside the anxiety as much as I could. I geared myself up so I would feel physically good. I got myself in to the best mental shape I could...I showed up, stayed longer than I thought I would but left defeated.
I just can't do it anymore. I can't keep putting my heart on the shelf for everyone to target practice on. They don't use me up and then throw me out. Worse, they don't even know I am there, while I sit like a little puppy waiting for attention. I think that I am going to have to build the walls higher to keep out the pain. Life isn't so bad if I just plug along on my own, keep myself busy and don't concentrate so much on the things (husband, child, my own family, good close friends) that just seem to be out of my grasp. Instead, I will build the wall into a fortress. I will plug away and be happy only for the things that I can have.
It is breathtakingly painful sometimes to think that I will never have someone to say "I love you" that isn't a blood relation. It is painful to think that I may never have someone to cozy up to at night. It is beyond pain, almost to numbness, to think that I might forever shuffle around this world with no one looking further to see that who I am is really loving and in need of love but so shattered and fragmented that it would just take some time and persistence to get me on the road to wholeness.
Okay, enough. I am rambling now and I am breathless and can't see straight for tears. Tomorrow is another day. I can start to heal tomorrow.
Friday, August 13, 2010
It's been a while
I has been quite a while since I posted and I am going to try and do a better job at it. I could try to recap an entire year, but I am not going to. Instead, I am going to just start from the here and now.
On my mind tonight...donor selection. That's right, it is time for me to make some final decisions about my sperm donor selection. What's that? You didn't know I was headed on this road? Well, it is true. I am on the road to SMBC (single mom by choice/circumstance). I have thought about this for a very long time and now that I am officially 36 (yep, just celebrated the big 3-6 yesterday) I figure that my time is running down if I am ever going to have a child of my own.
So, back to donor selection. It is not an easy choice. It isn't like going to a grocery store and just pulling the first loaf of bread off the shelf. There are so many things to consider. Just some of the things I've been looking at include: height, weight, ethnicity, blood type, body build, ears: attatched or not, previous medical history of donor and family, hobbies/talents/interests, whether they want to meet my kid or not, education, number of pregnancies with the donor already and their reasons for donation. All this before I ever order the long form on any one donor that shows more detail about them. Goodness, I didn't research any guy I've dated this well. But they are all important because if I just choose at random then I feel like I am already not making good choices for my potential child.
So here I am sifting through donor lists trying to complete my application. So much to think about before I complete it. For now, I think I am going to narrow it down to 3 donors and sleep on it. I'll let you know who the big winner is.
On my mind tonight...donor selection. That's right, it is time for me to make some final decisions about my sperm donor selection. What's that? You didn't know I was headed on this road? Well, it is true. I am on the road to SMBC (single mom by choice/circumstance). I have thought about this for a very long time and now that I am officially 36 (yep, just celebrated the big 3-6 yesterday) I figure that my time is running down if I am ever going to have a child of my own.
So, back to donor selection. It is not an easy choice. It isn't like going to a grocery store and just pulling the first loaf of bread off the shelf. There are so many things to consider. Just some of the things I've been looking at include: height, weight, ethnicity, blood type, body build, ears: attatched or not, previous medical history of donor and family, hobbies/talents/interests, whether they want to meet my kid or not, education, number of pregnancies with the donor already and their reasons for donation. All this before I ever order the long form on any one donor that shows more detail about them. Goodness, I didn't research any guy I've dated this well. But they are all important because if I just choose at random then I feel like I am already not making good choices for my potential child.
So here I am sifting through donor lists trying to complete my application. So much to think about before I complete it. For now, I think I am going to narrow it down to 3 donors and sleep on it. I'll let you know who the big winner is.
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