So, here it is...I am fat because I am sensitive. Okay, maybe overstating the obvious but after a rigorous night of "partying" I come home broken down, ashamed and feeling as it my heart has been put in the shredding blade of a food processor. Is this over some man? No, not some man (or woman, for that matter). No, it is because I have once again been confirmed by a beloved member of my family all the bad and treacherous feelings I have for myself.
I am heartbroken to say the least. I don't know, maybe I am just having a bad night, but this is the second time in recent history that some one near and dear in my family, who I love and respect and have aspired to be like more, has bluntly and with clear words, tone and timbre told me, essentially, that I am not worthy of love as I am. To say I am devastated is an absolute understatement. Every part of my being feels like agreeing. After all, these are the people who I feel the most comfortable in my life. These are people whom I have opened up my heart and shared some of my most private thoughts. These are women who think that they are helping me, but have really just made me want to put my wall up to the world even more.
Okay, maybe they didn't say I was unworthy of love in so much words, but what the first one told me is that I can not expect for anyone to find me of interest when I am not interesting myself. The second one told me that because I am so overwhelmed by talking to people that no one will be interested in getting through to me. And, if that is the case would I really want to raise a child just so they can be antisocial like me.
Great. There is encouragement for me. I am not even a mother yet and already I feel like the most horrible, unloveable human being. Really, it makes me not even want to try to have a baby. She's right...who the hell do I think I am to think that, with all my problems, that I can raise a child to be happy, healthy, socialized and ready for the world. What the heck am I thinking? Of course I can not be a good mother when I can barely keep in touch with my best friends or siblings. Of course, I can not be a good mother when I feel so overwhelmed by the simplest thing like making a phone call to have something repaired or book an appointment. Of course, I can not be a good mother when I spend so much time keeping my head together and my heart safe from this terrible pain. I am not enough for myself, so what the hell am I thinking to try and be a single parent and try to be both parents for someone else.
I left tonight feeling so nervous and hopeful that just maybe I could spend one night in a gathering amongst people my age and finally have something to say, some interaction that would make me feel like I belonged or at least that I wasn't such an outcast. Well, I would have been better to call and cancel, like I almost always do, and let them all think that I had something better to do. Instead, I charged forward. I put aside the anxiety as much as I could. I geared myself up so I would feel physically good. I got myself in to the best mental shape I could...I showed up, stayed longer than I thought I would but left defeated.
I just can't do it anymore. I can't keep putting my heart on the shelf for everyone to target practice on. They don't use me up and then throw me out. Worse, they don't even know I am there, while I sit like a little puppy waiting for attention. I think that I am going to have to build the walls higher to keep out the pain. Life isn't so bad if I just plug along on my own, keep myself busy and don't concentrate so much on the things (husband, child, my own family, good close friends) that just seem to be out of my grasp. Instead, I will build the wall into a fortress. I will plug away and be happy only for the things that I can have.
It is breathtakingly painful sometimes to think that I will never have someone to say "I love you" that isn't a blood relation. It is painful to think that I may never have someone to cozy up to at night. It is beyond pain, almost to numbness, to think that I might forever shuffle around this world with no one looking further to see that who I am is really loving and in need of love but so shattered and fragmented that it would just take some time and persistence to get me on the road to wholeness.
Okay, enough. I am rambling now and I am breathless and can't see straight for tears. Tomorrow is another day. I can start to heal tomorrow.
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