Not to be a whiner...

This has been a much harder day than I thought it would be. I started out very optomistic about what can happen in the future, but now, I'm just sad and lonely. I am sure that this will pass too, but just this minute I wish I wasn't the only one here. I know that I have a ton of support and people who are wishing me well, but right now, what I wish is that I had a partner to go through this with (and that almost never happens).

I don't know if I am more sad that I'm not pregnant or that I am choosing to do this on my own. I am reminded today that ALL the ups and downs are really going to be on me. I know that people will feel sad for me or happy for me, but it isn't the same. This isn't happening to someone else today. Today, it's happening to me and only me (as it relates to my world, at least). Honestly, I didn't expect to be this profoundly sad.

I've tried to distract myself all day, but nothing is really working. What I really need at this moment is a big hug and someone to lean on. I don't often wish (anymore) that I was married or even dating, but today, today that would be a great comfort if I was. Instead, I'm alone...at home alone, going on this journey alone, experiencing this loss or never-was alone. I know that I have closed a lot of doors along the way and today I am feeling it.

I'm sure that this, too, will pass. I'm sure that with each day I will feel better and be able to get back on track. Today is just not going to be that day. Today I just want a hug and some comfort. Today, I just want to know that it's going to be all right. Today, I just don't want to be so alone.

And, most of all, I know it is important to document these emotions as well. This IS my story. This is a part of this whole process. It is going to be difficult, but I've been through worse. It is going to be the part of the story I don't want to remember later, but I should. It is the reality of choosing to do this on my own. It wasn't an easy decision to come to. It isn't for everyone. Some days I'm not even sure it's for me. But, I want the possible outcome...a family of my own.

So tonight, I cry and tomorrow I look ahead.