Best Surprise EVER!

Best. Surprise. EVER!!!!!! As I was texting with Seth tonight I hear a key in the door. And then...there he was!!!!!! He totally flew back from Montana after 1 day there with his parents. Okay, I want to be super flattered that he couldn't stand to be away from me, but in reality he got a call from work that he didn't turn in all his paperwork for leave so it was come back and fill out the paperwork or get the axe. But it totally meant that I got to see him, have dinner with him and have him all to myself for a night before he goes back to Montana for Thanksgiving.

Seth is a constant, good surprise. I adore him. He keeps me on my toes. He makes me laugh. He makes me cry tears of joy. I feel the most like myself when I am with him. And, when I get surprises like tonight, it makes me think that I am possibly the LUCKIEST woman in the world. The more I know him, the more I like him and the deeper my love of him grows. He is the man I want to raise children with, to go through hard times with, to grow old with.

So tonight, while he works for a few hours, I will write this blog and say a thousand thank you's to the universe. And when he comes home and I have a few more precious hours with him I will enjoy every second of that time. And when he leaves for Montana tomorrow, I will eagerly look forward to his return and to spending our lives together.

A Whole New Baby Adventure Begins

It has been about 7 months since my last attempt at baby making. So, it is about time I get started again. Afterall, I'm certainly not getting any younger. This time around, I'm trying something different. This time around I am trying to get pregnant the most natural of ways - with a man that I adore.

This is not what I had planned on, but I'm much more excited to be on this adventure of love and motherhood now. It is completely different to be trying to make a baby with someone that I love and respect. Reading a descriptive list of a donor just seems to pale in comparison to having a conversation. It is much more fun to be talking about naming a child (even when we disagree) with someone that has a vested interest than it does to be working on the perfect name by myself.

I love that I can talk to Seth and wonder about whether our baby will have those great eyebrows or make those same expressions when he laughs. And I wonder if baby will get his nose or my nose. Is baby going to have a personality that is more laid back like Seth or more wound up like me? I could go on and on.

Mostly, I am just thankful that I have such a wonderful guy in my life that wants to give me a baby. And even more lucky that he likes me.

My full and happy heart

It is amazing how a week can change your life. One week...seven days...168 hours.

Last week, I met Seth. Ah, Seth. No one has ever touched my heart in the same way. In just one short week, he has filled my heart with love and hope. In one week, I have felt more loved and wanted than I ever have. I love him with more than I thought I had to give.

It is one week that may change my life forever. And the story is just starting. :)

Off or not

This was a bad night. No, let me rephrase that. It has been a very bad 2 days. I think I am in the middle of a huge hormone issue that has me feeling all over the place. And, I've been alone for 2 weeks, which used to not be such a big deal, but since I started reaching out more to people it has been incredibly difficult to not have anyone to talk to for the majority of my days for the last 2 weeks. I am feeling incredibly lonely and purposeless and sad for the last couple of weeks. Then, and there is not an exuse for this, I have completely gone off the deep end with a friend. Everytime I start to go off I can hear the rational part of my brain saying "stop...SHUT UP...YOU ARE BLOWING A FRIENDSHIP YOU IDIOT" and yet I haven't been able to stop.

And that is where my sadness comes in. I can feel this slippery slope I am on and I know I've been on it for about 3 weeks. The depression is creeping up and I haven't been fighting it. Normally, I would fight like hell. I would try and sleep better, eat better and work on all the things that make me happy and feel good. I would have tried to be creative by taking photos, scrapbooking, writing, dancing. I should have been cooking and reading and going to the movies. Instead, I've focused on other people. On the men I've been seeing and what they want/need. On trying to just keep my head above water at work. Focusing hard on not having an anxiety or panic attack when trying to maintain my parents home and work while they are off working hard at the fair.

Then, WHAM!!! The last 2 days everything has come to a head. I am standing in the middle of the depression well. I feel out of control, fragile, scared, a little angry, sad, unworthy of love, uninteresting and just plain stupid. I can tell you 101 different things that I have done wrong lately, but I won't. Instead, I'm going to confess that tonight I came home and wrote my suicide note. Okay, don't fly off the handle here. Yes, I did write the note, but so far, I haven't been brave and/or selfish enough to use it. The more I wrote, the more I realized that I would really disappoint people if I were to go through with it. And I don't think that I can disappoint my parents like that. I promised my mom that I wouldn't do it, no matter how many times I've thought about it. It seems like such a simple solution and if it works then my heart and my head would be free. But if it didn't work, I don't think I could stand to hurt so many people. I don't think that I could live with the consequences if it did work.

Tonight, I wish that there was someone I could call, could tell this to. The one person I want to call more than anything wouldn't understand. And I don't blame him. He has no idea how much pain I'm in right now and I don't think he knows how long this has been going on. And, as much of a friend as he is, I am really scared that he will reject me if I tell him how fragile I am right now. The other people that I could call, well, they would easily come to be with me but I'm afraid that they would also have me committed. I don't want to go there again.

So, I'm trying hard tonight to keep myself entertained. I went out with some girlfriends and had a good talk. I'm trying to watch some funny tv to keep my mind entertained. And it is working, kind of. I've gotten through these feelings before. If I can just hold out until Tuesday then I can get some help.

Hope to be writing more positive things in the near future.

Jen

Just Awesomeness

Sometimes you just have to love Declan. We were decorating Easter eggs and I had my laptop up while we listened to some music. What happened next was...well was pure awesomeness. Who's nephew is this again? Oh, that's right...he's mine. I have to love this kid. Perfection. Enjoy!

Friends and blessings

I've been looking through old pics today (trying to find one to send to a friend) and was just reminded how many truly funny, smart, kind, interesting, caring, giving and amazing people I've had the honor to call my friend in the last 20+ years. All of them have a piece of my heart. All of them taught me something that has helped me on my journey. It is really a blessing that I am still in contact with so many of them. I can't imagine where I would be without having those friendships. I hope that when I look back 20 years from now I can say the same thing about the friends that I am developing relationships with now. You never know how a friend will affect your life. What you learn from them, what you truly give to them, what lasting memories you will have, what comfort they can bring you and you to them. So, in honor of all my friends I lift my glass of lemonade and say "L'Chaim!" (Oh dear can you tell I've been reading up on my Hebrew phrases. :) )

F is for Fail or better yet, for F*&K!

Insemination #2 was done at midnight on Sunday, April 10th. This would have been day 28 in my cycle....which seems late but my cycle usually is 45-48 days. Oh, except this month where it appears to be starting on day 30! Wtf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not cool body, not cool. So, no baby again on this try. And this is going to be my last try for a while. I'm going to move on to plan b...gastric sleeve surgery. I'm going to start filling out my financing paperwork this week and get as much prework done as I can. My hope with this is that I will be able to lose enough weight to help regulate my periods and thus making it easier to try again. This is a freaking TERRIBLE day! In the last 24 hours I've had my heart broken, a friendship in turmoil, started my period and thus discovered I am not pregnant. Well, on the bright side...this day only happens once and the day ends in 16 minutes. Here's to another "fresh" start. Another chance to do something great. (Can you tell I am really trying hard to not be bitter or upset?) Now, I'm going to cry a little...okay buckets full. And then try and sleep and then try and move on. Thanks for your love and support, everyone!