Best Surprise EVER!

Best. Surprise. EVER!!!!!! As I was texting with Seth tonight I hear a key in the door. And then...there he was!!!!!! He totally flew back from Montana after 1 day there with his parents. Okay, I want to be super flattered that he couldn't stand to be away from me, but in reality he got a call from work that he didn't turn in all his paperwork for leave so it was come back and fill out the paperwork or get the axe. But it totally meant that I got to see him, have dinner with him and have him all to myself for a night before he goes back to Montana for Thanksgiving.

Seth is a constant, good surprise. I adore him. He keeps me on my toes. He makes me laugh. He makes me cry tears of joy. I feel the most like myself when I am with him. And, when I get surprises like tonight, it makes me think that I am possibly the LUCKIEST woman in the world. The more I know him, the more I like him and the deeper my love of him grows. He is the man I want to raise children with, to go through hard times with, to grow old with.

So tonight, while he works for a few hours, I will write this blog and say a thousand thank you's to the universe. And when he comes home and I have a few more precious hours with him I will enjoy every second of that time. And when he leaves for Montana tomorrow, I will eagerly look forward to his return and to spending our lives together.

A Whole New Baby Adventure Begins

It has been about 7 months since my last attempt at baby making. So, it is about time I get started again. Afterall, I'm certainly not getting any younger. This time around, I'm trying something different. This time around I am trying to get pregnant the most natural of ways - with a man that I adore.

This is not what I had planned on, but I'm much more excited to be on this adventure of love and motherhood now. It is completely different to be trying to make a baby with someone that I love and respect. Reading a descriptive list of a donor just seems to pale in comparison to having a conversation. It is much more fun to be talking about naming a child (even when we disagree) with someone that has a vested interest than it does to be working on the perfect name by myself.

I love that I can talk to Seth and wonder about whether our baby will have those great eyebrows or make those same expressions when he laughs. And I wonder if baby will get his nose or my nose. Is baby going to have a personality that is more laid back like Seth or more wound up like me? I could go on and on.

Mostly, I am just thankful that I have such a wonderful guy in my life that wants to give me a baby. And even more lucky that he likes me.

My full and happy heart

It is amazing how a week can change your life. One week...seven days...168 hours.

Last week, I met Seth. Ah, Seth. No one has ever touched my heart in the same way. In just one short week, he has filled my heart with love and hope. In one week, I have felt more loved and wanted than I ever have. I love him with more than I thought I had to give.

It is one week that may change my life forever. And the story is just starting. :)

Off or not

This was a bad night. No, let me rephrase that. It has been a very bad 2 days. I think I am in the middle of a huge hormone issue that has me feeling all over the place. And, I've been alone for 2 weeks, which used to not be such a big deal, but since I started reaching out more to people it has been incredibly difficult to not have anyone to talk to for the majority of my days for the last 2 weeks. I am feeling incredibly lonely and purposeless and sad for the last couple of weeks. Then, and there is not an exuse for this, I have completely gone off the deep end with a friend. Everytime I start to go off I can hear the rational part of my brain saying "stop...SHUT UP...YOU ARE BLOWING A FRIENDSHIP YOU IDIOT" and yet I haven't been able to stop.

And that is where my sadness comes in. I can feel this slippery slope I am on and I know I've been on it for about 3 weeks. The depression is creeping up and I haven't been fighting it. Normally, I would fight like hell. I would try and sleep better, eat better and work on all the things that make me happy and feel good. I would have tried to be creative by taking photos, scrapbooking, writing, dancing. I should have been cooking and reading and going to the movies. Instead, I've focused on other people. On the men I've been seeing and what they want/need. On trying to just keep my head above water at work. Focusing hard on not having an anxiety or panic attack when trying to maintain my parents home and work while they are off working hard at the fair.

Then, WHAM!!! The last 2 days everything has come to a head. I am standing in the middle of the depression well. I feel out of control, fragile, scared, a little angry, sad, unworthy of love, uninteresting and just plain stupid. I can tell you 101 different things that I have done wrong lately, but I won't. Instead, I'm going to confess that tonight I came home and wrote my suicide note. Okay, don't fly off the handle here. Yes, I did write the note, but so far, I haven't been brave and/or selfish enough to use it. The more I wrote, the more I realized that I would really disappoint people if I were to go through with it. And I don't think that I can disappoint my parents like that. I promised my mom that I wouldn't do it, no matter how many times I've thought about it. It seems like such a simple solution and if it works then my heart and my head would be free. But if it didn't work, I don't think I could stand to hurt so many people. I don't think that I could live with the consequences if it did work.

Tonight, I wish that there was someone I could call, could tell this to. The one person I want to call more than anything wouldn't understand. And I don't blame him. He has no idea how much pain I'm in right now and I don't think he knows how long this has been going on. And, as much of a friend as he is, I am really scared that he will reject me if I tell him how fragile I am right now. The other people that I could call, well, they would easily come to be with me but I'm afraid that they would also have me committed. I don't want to go there again.

So, I'm trying hard tonight to keep myself entertained. I went out with some girlfriends and had a good talk. I'm trying to watch some funny tv to keep my mind entertained. And it is working, kind of. I've gotten through these feelings before. If I can just hold out until Tuesday then I can get some help.

Hope to be writing more positive things in the near future.

Jen

Just Awesomeness

Sometimes you just have to love Declan. We were decorating Easter eggs and I had my laptop up while we listened to some music. What happened next was...well was pure awesomeness. Who's nephew is this again? Oh, that's right...he's mine. I have to love this kid. Perfection. Enjoy!

Friends and blessings

I've been looking through old pics today (trying to find one to send to a friend) and was just reminded how many truly funny, smart, kind, interesting, caring, giving and amazing people I've had the honor to call my friend in the last 20+ years. All of them have a piece of my heart. All of them taught me something that has helped me on my journey. It is really a blessing that I am still in contact with so many of them. I can't imagine where I would be without having those friendships. I hope that when I look back 20 years from now I can say the same thing about the friends that I am developing relationships with now. You never know how a friend will affect your life. What you learn from them, what you truly give to them, what lasting memories you will have, what comfort they can bring you and you to them. So, in honor of all my friends I lift my glass of lemonade and say "L'Chaim!" (Oh dear can you tell I've been reading up on my Hebrew phrases. :) )

F is for Fail or better yet, for F*&K!

Insemination #2 was done at midnight on Sunday, April 10th. This would have been day 28 in my cycle....which seems late but my cycle usually is 45-48 days. Oh, except this month where it appears to be starting on day 30! Wtf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not cool body, not cool. So, no baby again on this try. And this is going to be my last try for a while. I'm going to move on to plan b...gastric sleeve surgery. I'm going to start filling out my financing paperwork this week and get as much prework done as I can. My hope with this is that I will be able to lose enough weight to help regulate my periods and thus making it easier to try again. This is a freaking TERRIBLE day! In the last 24 hours I've had my heart broken, a friendship in turmoil, started my period and thus discovered I am not pregnant. Well, on the bright side...this day only happens once and the day ends in 16 minutes. Here's to another "fresh" start. Another chance to do something great. (Can you tell I am really trying hard to not be bitter or upset?) Now, I'm going to cry a little...okay buckets full. And then try and sleep and then try and move on. Thanks for your love and support, everyone!

The spermcicle has arrived

So, delivery number 2 has arrived....fresh frozen sperm. Somehow this delivery wasn't quite as exciting as the first one. The first delivery was the first time I could tangibly picture what I was trying to do. It was novel. It was exciting. It was scary. It was funny. This time, I knew what to expect, what to look for and how real this process is. Even though it has been just 3 months since my last try, there have been some changes for me. One...I'm venturing (however slowly and timidly) into the "dating" world again. For now, it's been mostly online but it is a start. Second, I've become much more open about the whole process...perfect strangers have been told about my adventures with this. Third, I realized that I need to accept that if this doesn't work that I need to keep moving and make a different plan. With the idea that this process might not work the first few times I am approaching this round with some skepticism. I have a plan that if it doesn't work this time that I might have to do something a little more drastic to prepare my body for conceiving and carrying a baby. I don't want to go into details yet, but the plan B is good for my overall health as well as improving my conception chances. I also have more to consider this time as I have met someone that I am very excited about. It might be too early to tell where things are going with him, but I'm excited none the less. He has been well informed about this whole process and to my surprise, had even offered to help in any capacity he can. (Let's not discuss specifics about that here...it is a little too TMI even for me.) And while he seems fine with this, it does make me think that maybe this might not be my only opportunity to have a child. Yet, I also know that it is too early to tell what can happen and I don't want to deny myself the chance of being a parent because I've waited too long for "Mr. Right" or "the perfect time". So, the spermcicle sits in my living room in its frozen home until I get the double blue line telling me its time to inseminate. Thanks for all your support and love and good wishes. I appreciate it more than you can know.

Not to be a whiner...

This has been a much harder day than I thought it would be. I started out very optomistic about what can happen in the future, but now, I'm just sad and lonely. I am sure that this will pass too, but just this minute I wish I wasn't the only one here. I know that I have a ton of support and people who are wishing me well, but right now, what I wish is that I had a partner to go through this with (and that almost never happens).

I don't know if I am more sad that I'm not pregnant or that I am choosing to do this on my own. I am reminded today that ALL the ups and downs are really going to be on me. I know that people will feel sad for me or happy for me, but it isn't the same. This isn't happening to someone else today. Today, it's happening to me and only me (as it relates to my world, at least). Honestly, I didn't expect to be this profoundly sad.

I've tried to distract myself all day, but nothing is really working. What I really need at this moment is a big hug and someone to lean on. I don't often wish (anymore) that I was married or even dating, but today, today that would be a great comfort if I was. Instead, I'm alone...at home alone, going on this journey alone, experiencing this loss or never-was alone. I know that I have closed a lot of doors along the way and today I am feeling it.

I'm sure that this, too, will pass. I'm sure that with each day I will feel better and be able to get back on track. Today is just not going to be that day. Today I just want a hug and some comfort. Today, I just want to know that it's going to be all right. Today, I just don't want to be so alone.

And, most of all, I know it is important to document these emotions as well. This IS my story. This is a part of this whole process. It is going to be difficult, but I've been through worse. It is going to be the part of the story I don't want to remember later, but I should. It is the reality of choosing to do this on my own. It wasn't an easy decision to come to. It isn't for everyone. Some days I'm not even sure it's for me. But, I want the possible outcome...a family of my own.

So tonight, I cry and tomorrow I look ahead.

Red is not just for Valentine's Day

It is official...I am not pregnant this month. A new cycle begins today. I am a bit sad that the first insemination didn't take, but I was prepared for it. All I can do is look ahead.

In that spirit I am going to change things up a bit for this next round. First, I'm going to go pick up a fertility predictor. This is not to predict ovulation, but instead can tell if my hormone levels are even high enough to ovulate this month. Something tells me that with this missed cycle last month that I may not have even ovulated. Second, I am going to try some of the little things that others have tried like eating lots of pineapple after and possibly using some hormone creams. Third, I think that I will treat my "date night" a little differently....you don't really need to know the details on this.

It has been a very up and down couple of weeks. A few positives and a few negatives but I am ready to move on. I have a lot of hope for the things to come. For today, though, I think I will wallow just a bit in sadness. Oh, and maybe do a little creative therapy. So even though I've seen the red I didn't want to see today, I am going to take that red energy and work on some Valentine's Day projects.

Not down yet...

Okay, so I may not be completely out of this first try. I've had a few symptoms in the past week that make me think there is a good possibility that I might just have done it on round 1. Some symptoms are a little embarrassing and something one should only tell their sister so we'll just keep those under wraps. But the big one that I am still holding out on is that I still haven't started a new cycle. Yep, nada, nul, zero, zip, not a drop. It really is a very small hope but something that I am going to hold dear until it is time to let go. If I haven't started a new cycle by Feb. 14th (like I need another reason to be sad on Valentine's Day) then I will test again. Who knows, maybe I'll be lucky.

Other than that little bit of hope, I'm feeling pretty good. I've started to get into into my year of more. I've been trying to really reach deeper in myself to tell the stories that need to be told, to work hard on my AE class, to seek out new opportunities for growth, to open up to people outside my little circle of confidants and to embrace who I am.

I can't choose everything in my life, what I do or don't want to happen to me, but I can surely give it a better chance by at least trying. So, I'm going to be shedding my fears, resentments and insecurities one at a time. Hopefully what I find underneath will be my strengths, my joys and my fulfillment.

I'm bellydancing again, even if it is just at home. I've got more classes lined up in the next couple of months. I'm thinking about going back and doing another round of speed dating. I am keeping my options open for the opportunities that are out there.

So, February I'm ready...tell me something good.

Love the words, love the meaning

I've fallen head over heals. Nope, it isn't a man (or a woman). It is with words. I am working on a class right now to help me tell more stories about me with words and photos. There have been some great quotes each week, but this one is so powerful that I just need to share it.

"I'm convinced that owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we'll ever do." - Brene Brown

This is what I am constantly striving for. To own AND love who I am, where I've been and where I am going.

No bun in the oven

Okay, so the 2 pregnancy tests I've taken so far have come back with a big fat NO. Honestly, I am both sad and relieved. I looked at this first try as a trial, an opportunity to see what worked and what didn't. I had a few surprises, but mostly it went smooth. What I did not and can not factor in is my own body.

***I'm about to get a little TMI here so if you are squeamish or just don't want to know then NOW is the time to just scan past this part of the post.*** I have not yet started the next cycle. Not totally odd for me. I miss 2-3 periods a year on average, but I can never tell when I am going to miss. Sometimes I go like 6 months in between misses and sometimes it is only like 2 cycles in between. I did not and can not factor on this when I am trying to time when to order my little swimmers. I think that I am in one of those misses right now. I tried to convince myself that it's because I am preggo, but I don't really have any symptoms.

So now what, well I just have to wait. Wait and see when the flow is going to start. Wait and test again for ovulation. This next time I will use a fertility predictor during my period. Hopefully that will help. Also, on this next one I think I am going to try and go with 2 vials to see if I can increase my chances. If that doesn't work then I am going to start trying some of the crazy sounding concoctions that others doing this same process have tried. Who knows, maybe there is something to it.

Because of this no, I've thought and rethought a lot in the last couple of weeks. Of course questioning myself about this whole thing and where I am directing my life. So many unknowns, so many questions and so few direct answers. And with that I am going to go with a bit of blind faith. I believe I am doing the right thing. I believe that whatever is supposed to happen with this process will. I believe that whatever road this takes me to is the right one.

I don't know if I posted before about this, but this is the year of MORE for me. I am going to let my hair down more, live richer, do more, be more, experience more, love more, laugh more. To that end, I am thinking that I might, just might actually start dating more...or at least attempting to. My last few outings have been unsuccessful at best and non existent at worst. I'm not making a commitment on this, but it's out there.

Ok, enough rambling J. Time to say goodnight to all the good (read 3) people who actually read this. Thanks for sharing in this with me.

The juice is loose

This is the full syringe. Yep all .3 ml of baby juice there.

The tools for the procedure. Thermometer for temperature charting, vial of sperm from donor 322A and the syringe for transfer from vial to body.

Taking the vial out of the dewar.

With all the frozen liquid nitrogen you have to wear gloves to pull out the vials otherwise you risk frostbite.

Done. First insemination is over. A few things I didn't expect. First, there is very little of the stuff in the vial. Only about 0.3 ml. Not much at all. Second, it is easier to use the syringe without the catheter than with the catheter for the actual insemination.

So now, it is all about the wait. It will be about 2 weeks until I can officially test to see if this insemination worked. To be honest, I doubt that any pregnancy will happen from this cycle, but a little bit of hope never hurt. I've decided not to worry to much about this or it will be a very long couple of weeks wait.

There you go. Not much else to say for now.

Donuts and Coffee

Declan: You know that place where Jesus died?
Mom & me: What?
D: (Exaspirated) You KNOW the place where Jesus died and we pray?
Me: Oh, church.
D: Yeah, church. Mom said I'm old enough to go now. I like to go.
Me: Oh, that's good.
D: Hey, did you know they have coffee and donuts were Jesus died?
Me: Okay.
D: Yeah, they have really good coffee and donuts there.

I think he might have missed the point, but still funny!

Also, I think I might have created a monster. I gave Declan another camera for Christmas...just a cheap one for him to take on his cruise. Anyway, the little photo bug that he is, he's been taking a bunch of pictures. Then he found out that it did video. Oh, it's his favorite feature. He has this thing now about putting the camera so it is focused on his nose or mouth and then talking as fast as he can while he makes up stories or rhymes. I have to admit it is kind of cute, but he gets so excited he keeps turning video on and off about every 10 seconds into his story without knowing it. I bought the kid a 2GB card for the camera, but I think he'll have it filled up with video before they leave the dock on vacation. Don't be surprised if some of those videos end up on this blog.

It's an original

Still feeling pretty crummy today. This cold is kickin' my bootay. After a few days in bed fighting a fever and chills I was delighted to come home and have this lovely delivery on my doorstep. It's "the boys" that I thought were going to be here tomorrow. There was also an insemination kit and a whole bag full of pregnancy tests. Pretty exciting stuff.

Unfortunately, I've been sick right in the middle of my cycle which basically means that these days that I have been sick might as well be thrown out in terms of charting my temperature for cycle prediction. Basically, I can't rely on the charting to help me figure out when I'm ovulating. So, to pee on many, many sticks this week it is. I have until next Monday to use these guys or send them back. And, since this is my first try and I don't expect to get preggo this round anyway...I'm going to guess if I have to and use them up.

So, here's to positive thoughts and a little bit of hope.

The year of living MORE

Here it is...January 1st. So full of hope and promise. This year I have decided to dedicate myself to one word "MORE". This year I am going to love more, make art more, go out more, do more to take care of myself, give more of myself to friends and family, try more, move more, make more choices that are better for my health.

In the spirit of more, I am going to attempt to do a Picture A Day project for the year. I hope that in addition to the other classes and projects I am working on that this will be something that I can look back on years from now as really what my life was like in a glance. I plan to put it all together in the Becky Higgins Project Life binder. Love this product. For $52 you get everything that you could need to put together a thoughtful, easy, good looking book with space for journaling and photos. I am very excited to get started.

My first photo for this year pretty much says it all. I've been sick for a couple of days, but today I've done almost nothing but lay around. My body has been fighting off a fever, but it seems like it's losing and the fever is winning. I had hoped to work on some scrapbook projects and get my house a bit cleaner, but I've only been able to sit upright for just a small bit at a time. In fact, as soon as I took this picture I put everything away and had to lay down for a bit before I could even get the laptop out to do this. The good thing is....I know that this will pass. Having this cold or virus or whatever is transient and I am just thankful it isn't something more.

I have been a little worried, though, that this illness might change my body chemistry might mess up my ovulation schedule. I've already seen signs with my temp being up (although I shouldn't really rely on that since I am sick) and an egg white mucus developing. (Sorry if this is a little TMI, but it is one of those signs to watch for). Just a few more days until my first delivery from the cryobank and I really hope my body cooperates. It is really exciting to be going on this journey.

The last thing I want to comment on for the new year is how glad I am that it is Saturday so that if I have to be home, then at least there has been almost a full day of Hockey Night in Canada to watch. I frickin' love hockey! Sure, I bet you already knew this, but seriously....I FRICKIN' LOVE HOCKEY! I don't watch nearly as much as I used to and it makes me a little sad, but on the other hand, when I do get to go to a game or watch a great battle on tv it makes me appreciate it so much more. Right now I am watching the Winter Classic in Pittsburgh...Washington Capitals vs. Pittsburgh Penguins. Otherwise known as a classic Ovetchkin vs. Crosby battle. As I type it is nearly the 10 minute mark in the 2nd period and it is a tie. So, off to lay down and watch hockey I go.

Happy New Year, everyone!